It’s Christmas! Holidaytimes! You know what that means, THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC, holiday music, the music of Christmas and other beloved holidays, beloved standards and creeping obscurities! This week, I have taken it upon myself to match all of this week’s recommended games with a CHRISTMAS song of my choosing, as a sommelier might do at your table, with wine, a grape based drink people drink with food that has the power to unleash a whole rainbow of flavors on your tongue, including wood flavors and motor oil flavors.
MONDAY: CLIPPERS AT SPURS 8:30 EAST, 5:30 WEST
THE SPURS HAVE LOST ONE TWO THREE FOUR GAMES IN A ROW. They are in deep shit. Need something to get the career going again. They need to get like 1973 Elvis, deep in debt, bloated like a big ass frog, searching for some money to rebuild his shit, and sign on for a good old fashioned CHRISTMAS ALBUM! The Clippers have been a little flat coming out this year. The Spurs might even be able to really phone it in, like big Elv does in his rendition of “Silver Bells.”
(This implies that in three years, the Spurs will die on the toilet somehow.)
TUESDAY: PORTLAND AT OKC, 8PM EAST, 5PM WEST
A classic Christmastime Street Brawl between blood enemies. Look, PORTLAND can hate Seattle, but the rest of these animals need to respect family. The only music you need for when blood starts to clog suburban gutters is Kenny G’s rendition of “Winder Wonderland.” There is a violence in that performance that runs deeper than anything you can possibly imagine. You only truly understand it faintly plays in the background as you witness a nail go into a man’s head outside of an Olive Garden as the clock strikes 12 on Christmas Eve.
Listen to Britten’s “Ceremony of Carols.” No reason, it’s just good and I couldn’t really work it into anything else. Not everything is a joke.
THURSDAY: CLIPPERS AT WARRIORS 7:30 WEST 10:30 EAST
This should probably be Clippers at Grizz, as a way of ENTIRELY emulating and exhuming everyone’s family related anger and stress, but I suppose Warriors/Clippers will do for a cathartic hatematch. Pair it with The Ramones’ “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight), the all-time-great anthem of Holiday exhaustion.
FRIDAY: BUCKS AT HAWKS 7:30 EAST, 4:30 WEST
Giannis is kind of like the little drummer boy, right? He’s young, his arrive symbolized a profound sea change in the world (The Beginning of the Third Era of the Pink Crystal, according to Corbin’s Crystal Calendar.) , he has an unconventional sense of rhythm. Play the game at half-speed and listen to Low’s CLASSIC version of “Little Drummer Boy” on a loop. You will be hypnotised, and in your visions you will see the pink crystal who will tell you tales of a more peaceful future, (I hope.)
SATURDAY: PHOENIX AT SACRAMENTO 7PM WEST, 10PM EAST
You have a hangover. Phoenix has a hangover. Sacramento has a hangover. Everyone feels terrible. You’re all starring the new year in the face, with only a trail of disappointments behind you. You cannot muster optimism. Unite together, under the star of Luther Vandross’s “Every Year, Every Christmas” and hope for your lost love, or the playoffs, to come back to you.
SUNDAY: TORONTO AT CLIPPERS 12:30 WEST, 3:30 EAST
A thought experiment of a game, with the East’s finest team matching up against the disappoint dilettantes of the West. How good is the West really? Does the Easy have ANY hope, or has it become broken to the point where it will need to be repaired? Pair it with my musical thought experiment, where I play Jingle Bells with only the sound of my singular clapping hands.