Good afternoon. My name is DOCTOR Corbin Smith, Adjunct Professor of Psychology here at Diss University, and I have some startling new research to share with you, my loyal readership. In my time writing this column, I have discovered some the relationship between the basketball games people watch and their psychological state. TO test my new system, I solicited game picks on the website Twitter.com and I will share my results with you today:
MONDAY: CAVALIERS AT BULLS, 7:30 EAST 4:30 WEST
What kind of person seeks out disappointment? Neither the Cavs or the Bulls will do anything in this game to inspire you. Either the Bulls looks anemic or the Cavs appear as a nightmare. This young man should be setting his standards higher, seeking new and exciting rushes, but he returns to the well he thought would have the cleanest healing waters in the beginning of the year. I suspect his childhood was a series of disappointments that were completely out of his control, and he has decided that was what he deserved. He will lead a life of never ending disappointments, until death, because he does not aim for higher ground.
TUESDAY: THUNDER AT HEAT: 7:30 EAST, 4:30 WEST
Well, straight out the gate, trying to get me to do two games, a sign of a deep and real greed, a greed that will someday drive this man down the deepest river of despair. Combine this greed with a game that is a Brokedown Palace 2012 Finals Rematch, and we see a man who is unduly nostalgic for a time recently passed, when he was able to exploit people for money. He has been stopped, by the police, or the FTC, or the Securities commission. He sits in him home, bitter and broken, waiting for a day when the money will flow freely again. He is a troubled person and he must learn that he can only find peace in nature.
WEDNESDAY: THUNDER AT WIZARDS: 8 PM EAST, 5 PM WEST
Kevin Durant has semi-openly discussed the idea of coming home to Washington to play for the Wizards. Mr. Bennett’s choice suggests a fascination with cuckolding. If I were to get a look into his dream life, you would be stuck watching complicated soap operas where dinosaurs were cheat on their spouses, then tell them so they can become excited by the grief on their faces. This is a pick of a sick man.
THURSDAY: SPURS AT BULLS: 8PM EAST, 5PM WEST
A battle of two parent figures. Popovich is a stern, orderly man, who keeps a clean house that feel suffocating. Thibadeau is a chaotic, sweaty presence who pushes you to be the best you can but leaves you confused and exhausted. Man’s struggle between comfort and progress is at war in RJ’s heart. Which will bring you to happiness? The answer is neither, because man and womyn are defined by their eternal dissatisfaction. The only way to escape is to be put in the dirt.
FRIDAY: NEW ORLEANS AT MINNESOTA: 8PM EAST 5PM WEST
Both of these teams exemplify a duality. Flip and Monty are two of the last men standing in the mid-range, and they both coach new, dynamic, athletic stars who capture our imaginations and turn out heads to the future. The patient longs for days past and manifests this longing in youth. He needs to realize that the future in inevitable, it is coming, it is necessary, the world is moving, and he can’t put his desire to return to the past on those who will be of the future.
SATURDAY: PISTONS AT MILWAUKEE 7:30 EAST, 4:30 WEST
Patient has an insatiable craving for novelty. The Bucks were an unwatchable mess until this year, the Piston until this month. Always seeking the new. Will be impossible for the patient to settle down, he lives on the hunt for a new animal to devour. Someday his claws will fail him, and he will starve, emotionally, when he has to watch a Mavs-Spurs playoff series, like the rest of us.
SUNDAY: CLIPPERS AT SUNS 3PM WEST, 6PM EAST
I picked this game myself. What does it reveal in me? I can tell you, with eyes unclouded, because I have come to the place of perfect analysis. The patient wishes to see, if for even a second, Austin Rivers, recently traded to the Clippers, get hounded by Eric Bledsoe. He wants to see Austin humiliated and destroyed on a basketball court. He resents anyone who has a leg up in life. He probably watches tapes, actual VHS tapes, of rives making mistakes and missing shots, so deep does his hatred for nepotists go. It is unhealthy, and it is consuming his life. He has only watched Austin Rivers for three and a half years, trying to mine everything negative he possibly an out of his play. This recent move has made it worse. He has stopped sleeping, and he only eats water with protein powder and vitamins, so he can get nutrients while he prays at the altar of his hatred. His feces are so small and intert that he poos in a bucket in his HateRoom, a small room with only a small TV and VCR and a pillow he takes restless, hour long naps on. He is in big trouble.