MONDAY: SAN ANTONIO at PHILLY 7PM EAST, 4PM WEST
There is absolutely no way, zero percent chance, I would be willing to bet my finger against five bucks that Gregg is playing his full team against the 76ers. But I still think some real damage could be dealt out tomorrow some hearts broken, some 76ers on their knees with foam coming out of their mouths, guys stepping up to the podium and telling gathered reporters that “I have decided I am not cut out for this line of work. I will return to my hometown to work at the coal mine, now, because I have been beaten so badly. Basketball has become an abstraction in the face of that fire. I will go to bed tonight questioning if my hands are even real.”
TUESDAY: SACRAMENTO at TORONTO 7PM WEST, 10 PM EAST
Are there two more dissimilar NBA cities than Sacramento and Toronto? Probably Not! REASONS:
-One is in CANADA and one is in THE UNITED STATES.
-One is sort of GREY AND DEPRESSING, one is regarded as being very PRETTY.
-One is a very large city with a lot of PEOPLE, the other is primarily populated by SENTIENT GOPHERS who DIG DEEP INTO THE EARTH for MAGIC JEWELS
-One city is known around the NBA as “WHITE VEGAS,” the other’s only form of entertainment is PIG FIGHTS IN PLEXIGLASS DOMES ON TOP OF APARTMENT BUILDINGS, WHERE THE PIGS HAVE PISTOLS DUCT TAPED TO THEIR BACKS.
-One city’s Mayor is AN INFAMOUS COKE FIEND WHO ONCE TACKLED A LADY IN THE CITY COUNCIL, the other’s is a DEATH LORD WHO COMMANDS HUMAN SACRIFICES TO KEEP SACRAMENTO’S BLOOD FLOWING, GIVE ME THE HEARTS OF THE BABES SO OUR CITY CAN PUMP ON AND SOMEDAY MOBILIZE AND CONQUER FRESNO.
WEDNESDAY: DALLAS at MILWAUKEE! 5PM WEST, 8PM EAST
The Bucks are fun and cool. OJ Mayo has drifted into engagement, Larry Sanders is good again, Giannis is a mysterious vapor whisper who floats around the court and occasionally manifests a physical form for slamm-jamma-dunks-a-lunks. Jabari Parker is. It’s great! They will make the playoffs because the worst East teams are horror shows with no chance, but there’s a chance they will make the playoffs because they are a good team. I recommended them.
THURSDAY: CLEVELAND at NEW YORK: 8PM EAST, 5PM WEST
Boy, doesn’t the Cavs losing to the Knicks seems so far away now, after the Cavs have spent the last month outright dominating the league and grabbing the EastBull by the horns and commanding it to take them from house to house so they can make millions of dollars selling reverse mortgages to confused older people? I know the Cavs would be good, but I didn’t expect them to be this DOMINANT. I am especially surprised that Brendan Haywood is playing 30 minute a game and really protecting the rim as if it were his child. I suspect they will take a MIGHTY REVENGE on the Knicks tonight, who have also been good, but not AS GOOD as the Cavs. That triangle is really “Shaping” up!
FRIDAY: SUPRS at MEMPHIS 8 PM EAST, 5PM WEST
But honestly, what if Marc Gasol wins MVP? Is losing weight really this powerful? I am a little tubby, if I shed a few dozen am I going to be riding my bike 150 miles to deliver rare and exotic flower to the woman who will bear my one hundred beautiful children, all geniuses who solve a different prominent world problem? Is there a power deep inside me waiting to be unleashed? Or is this Marc Gasol loses weight and plays out of his fucking mind thing just another media conspiracy to keep me fat shamed?
SATURDAY: PELICANS at CLIPPERS 7:30 WEST, 10:30 EAST
This is the secret king of Mascot Fights. A hundred vicious birds attacking a sailboat, killing the crew and the passengers, shredding it’s sails with their razor sharp beaks. Have you ever seen The Birds? The scenes with actual birds are mad wack, but the scenes where they’re sitting around flipping out about the birds are terrifying. If they remade it today, it would probably be flipped, the actual birds are scary as hell but the talking scenes are way too short and go too far in explaining why the birds are attacking. I wish the Pelicans were better, this thing might get depressing soon.
SUNDAY: WASHINGTON AT BOSTON 1 PM EAST, 10 AM WEST
I reiterate: AS LONG AS I AM WRITING THIS COLUMN, THE SUNDAY MORNING GAME WILL BE FEATURED, NO MATTER HOW BAD IT IS. It could be Philly/Boston and I would recommend it. I would ESPECIALLY recommend that game, actually, because it would be, like, PEAK CROWD INERTIA. The entire stadium might become so heavy with the weight of not caring that it just slooooooooly sinks into the ground while Heinson complains about Evan Turner not getting the borderlinest of borderline calls. And this isn’t SUCH a bad game! John Wall and Rondo are fun! Gortat probably completely perplexes Cody Zeller by his very existence! Avrey Breadly, Avrey Bradley’s sentient bread loaf brother, will be in attendance!