OKCupid Season Preview: Portland Trail Blazers (#22)

LocationPortland, OR
2011-12 Record28-38
2011-12 Adjusted Record35-47
2012-13 Predicted Record30-52
Season GoalStay in contention for as long as possible

My self-summary
They always say that basketball is a game of superstars, and that has never really been Portland’s thing. Sure, we have great beer, coffee, bookstores, mountains, soccer, microbreweries, bike paths, green spaces, breakfast joints, public transportation, climate, standard of living, gardens, people, technology, fresh food, flannel, rain, donuts, bridges, air, roses, food carts, strip clubs, movie theatres, monuments, dive bars, neighborhoods, canoeing, shopping, distilleries, rivers, sunrises, sunsets, organic produce, IPAs, fishing, and health care, but we’ve only had a couple of superstars. Bill Walton, Clyde Drexler, Brandon Roy.

But have you heard, baby? Move over Brandon Roy, there’s a new sheriff in town! You see, basketball teams are made up of players from five different positions, and I have a top five player because I have the best power forward on the league!! Dirk Nowitzki? Old, and couldn’t even go to Germany for that magic blood stuff. Kevin Love? How’s he supposed to bang down low with my man LaMarcus if he can’t even do a push up without breaking his hand? Blake Griffin? Get back to me when he can hit a jumper.

You see, my man LaMarcus was seventh in the league in scoring last year, and this year he’s making it into the top 5! LaMarcus can shoot it inside and he can shoot it outside, he can run the fast break and he can set-up in the half court, he can guard centers and he can stay in front of guards, he can rebound, steal and block, and he barely turns the ball over. He’s going to get the Rose Garden rocking.

What I’m doing with my life
Trying to figure out the best pieces to fit around my man LaMarcus.

I’m really good at
FUNdamentals. Yelling unintelligible gibberish to intimidate. Winning at home. Playing like crap for long stretches of the regular season, and then falsely lowering expectations for the Playoffs (like Mitt Romney before the 2012 Presidential debates) so I can slow roll everybody.

The six things I could never do without
The Rose Garden, my fans, the Seattle SuperSonics, LaMarcus Aldridge, Microsoft $$$, Bill Walton

I spend a lot of time thinking about
LaMarcus’ heart condition. I try to be a positive thinker and look towards the future, but I also feel like I could build the perfect player out of injured Trail Blazer parts. Walton’s feet, Oden’s legs, Roy’s knees, and now Lamarcus’ heart?

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I don’t know how much longer Portland fans will continue to sell out the Rose Garden if I don’t get a lot better soon. Every fanbase has their breaking point…what is Portland’s?

I’m looking for
A Robin, cause I already have my Batman!!

You should message me if
You want to throw off your flannel and fixie for a jersey, sip down a PBR or microbrew, and join the best crowd in the NBA.

About Kevin Draper

Kevin “Franklin Mieuli” Draper was born and raised in Oakland, California, and loves it more than you can possibly imagine. Follow him on Twitter @TheDissNBA
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