OKCupid Season Preview: Houston Rockets (#26)

LocationHouston, TX
2011-12 Record34-32
2011-12 Adjusted Record42-40
2012-13 Predicted Record32-50
Season GoalBlockbuster Trade

My self-summary
Sup gurl? I’m The_Dream_Shake 69. I live in Houston, Texas. I’m looking for someone to sweep me off my feet and become the girl of my dreams.Who is the girl of my dreams, you ask? Well, that girl is going to be a superstar. She’s going to be a real catch; modest, talented, sexy and funny. She’ll make me better in every way. I hope I’ll be of service to her. I just really want to find someone special who wants to be special with me.

But about me. I swap players. They’re my cars. Recently, it seems like things have been pretty up and down as I figure out what to do with the next stage of my life. I was pretty hot stuff in 2009, but sort of fell of the radar once my 2001 Yao broke down (I’d only had it for nine years, too L). Last season I was pretty respectable, but a late-season swoon kept me out of the playoffs. In June, a bunch of my roster turned over. Some left because they hated my head coach (Kevin McHale), and others left because I wanted buy a brand new Dwightster, and needed to make sure I had enough money. And, well, we didn’t get a Dwight. But we got the next best thing. If things go well after date 1, you can come over and see it if you want (no pressure). Superstar sweetie, I got him for you.

Yeah! A 2010 Jeremelin, sittin’ right there in my driveway. You like him? You do? I thought so. I do too. I fell in love with him for the few weeks he belonged to his previous owner in New York. He won games, put up shots, generated memes and puns, and let it all hang out for Jesus. I just had to get him back.

(And yeah, I did say “get him back”. I guess I should explain. You see, I used to have the same Jeremelin in late 2011, but we got rid of him because I was feeling good about my 2011 Kylelowry, who was getting great mileage at the time. But babe, once we saw that Jeremelin run in New York, we had to get him back. And we did! We got him back.)

What’d you say? How much? Ah…well, $25 million, give or take. Global phenoms don’t come cheap, baby girl. But hey, look on the bright side: major payments are delayed until 2015. Yeah, I know I paid about $300,000 for my Jeremelin the first time. But hey, the cheap man pays twice, as they say. And I had enough money left over to buy a new (to me) 2010 Omerasik. He looks pretty good too, but man, he was expensive as well. $24 million. Eeep.

But I got other things. You and me, babe, we’ll use my collection to hit it big. I mean, that 2004 KevMartin doesn’t look so bad, right? Right?? Some good team needs him to hit shots for them in the playoffs. We’ll just put some elbow grease into it, and he’ll look real nice in a trade. Same thing with my 2011 Parsons that I’m working on in the garage! Just a few more years and boom! We’ll be rich. Trust me.

Anyways, that’s me. How about you? Hit me up if you wanna ride in the Jeremelin.

What I’m doing with my life
Paying off my new Jeremelin and Omerasik. I’ve got some backloaded payments that I’m not looking forward to. But hey, they look great in preseason!

I’m really good at
Convincing people I’m great at math! For a long time, I was thought of as something of a math genius, since I was considered to be the NBA’s version of Moneyball. But they actually won something in Moneyball. Did I mention I just bought a Jeremelin? For $25 million dollars?

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
The Chandler Parsons project. J/K!!!!!!!! I really like Tex Mex.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
My money and my luck. Oh yeah, I love my new Jeremelin. But I was really hoping they’d have a Dwightster at the dealer. Ah well. Maybe next year :/

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I hate to say it, but I think things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. This house needs a lot of repairs, and I’m not sure when or how I’m going to get it all done.

I’m looking for
You. You, and you only. Come take a ride in my dream machine, my barely used Jeremelin. It’s real fast, and the girls love it. And don’t worry: we don’t have to spend a ton of time at my house. You’ve got a place, right?

About Jacob Greenberg

Jacob is a behaviorist by day, blogger by night, and founded the Diss. Follow him on Twitter @jacobjbg
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